colour of love by Omeke Prisca

colour of love by Omeke Prisca

JULY 20, 2016CITYMOONLEAVE A COMMENT

Ada: Eric, you have been avoiding my calls. What is wrong? What is the reason for this sudden development?

Eric: Ada, my darling, I have been very busy. I will come to your house to explain to you. Meanwhile there is no problem.

After two months, Ada kept expecting Eric’s call to no avail. In the fourth month, he came narrating how and why his parents had said NO to their imminent marriage.

Ada is an Osu. Eric, a free born cannot associate with her talk more of marrying her. Painful. right? I guess so.

In igbo land, most parents do not want their son or daughter to marry an Osu.

No Osu equally admits to the fact that he or she is an Osu. I ask, why? Is it that they are not aware? I guess it is the way the society frowns at the sound of the word ‘Osu’ or what do you think?

But for a serious relationship leading to marriage, why would someone hide the truth from the partner? Does it mean that a foundation built on lies is the best?

Personally, I believe that someone who loves you will always love you even if it doesn’t end in marriage. Why the lie and secret?

For the above questions, I had to do some researches. Guess what I found out.

Osu caste system is an ancient practice in south-eastern Nigeria which discourages social interactions and marriage with a group of persons called Osus. Osus are dedicated to deities and considered as inferior beings and are usually separated from Nwadiala, free born. Some said osus are people banished/ostracized from communities for refusing orders of a king or the decisions of the community. They are not allowed to associate with the free born. They are sometimes given a separate seat in the church. They are not allowed to break kola or make prayers on behalf of real born because it is believed to be a calamity. This group, osus, suffer denial of chieftaincy tittle, violent disruption of marriage ceremonies, etc.

I also found out that on 20/03/1956, igbo legislators in the eastern house of assembly, Enugu, abrogated the practice of referring to people as osu. Fines were imposed. This discouraged people from expression of the word, osu.

You can also read a book ‘the secret of nothing’. It addressed this topic in a good way.

Now, if this act has been discouraged, why is it that serious relationship/ intermarriage between the osus and the rest of the community is still forbidden?

From my discussion, I learnt that most of the osus do well in life even in politics. I asked ‘does it mean God promote them more to make sure they feel better about their status?’

Just a question, out of my curiosity.

I believe there is still hope.

Someone (Chikawrites) said he doesn’t care. If a person finds love and that person is of different ‘whatever’ from him or her, it shouldn’t matter because the two of them found love.

Another person agreed to the above statement. But the last person answered “my wife and I are real. She is a free born just like I am. If I love an osu, I can consider her.” There is something about this last guest. He wasn’t real I guess. He was trying to paint words. I do not know why but he stammered when we went deep into the topic.

In the church, the word, osu is preached against. Marriage between an osu and a free born is encouraged. So why does some tradition say otherwise?

Fine, we all have tradition yet we have embraced Christianity, but which one do we place above the other? Like they said, we should not just act or conclude. Sometimes, we should go to our great grandparents for clarifications.

Do we go strictly traditional in taking decisions about marriage?

Is osu really an ancient tradition or what? Should it be one of the criteria for marriage?

Love comes in every colour. It is not the big stink that it used to be. Anyway, I am just a writer. I am neutral. Your comments are needed.

Live right,

Love right,

Marry right.

The Underhand Lover. By Prisca Omeke

CITYMOON

Cheating is complex. It is difficult to define because its understanding varies with individuals. What some consider as cheating can be seen as normal by others. Some say cheating is betraying a partner’s expectations. This makes it problematic because couples rarely discuss exactly what their expectations are. Others define cheating as unfaithfulness, having sexual relationship with persons other than your regular sex partner. With this definition, it shows cheating only takes place in the bed. Isn’t it?

I interviewed many on this topic, cheating, and responses I got were centred on one thing.  It says cheating means quality time not spent together with the right partner. This means everybody cheats. Isn’t it?  Do we all cheat? I do not think so. We have needs to talk, communicate, etc., and when you have these needs, who do you turn to? Your partner or the opposite sex?

Anything you don’t provide in terms of emotional, intellectual and physical needs, your partner will look to others for them.  In other words, we all seek to meet our needs, and if our partner isn’t there in certain ways, we find others. Those others sometimes form the basis for an affair, or create an emotional bond that replaces our partner, or extract from the partnership that it really needs to grow and adapt. What do you do that someone else cannot easily do?  What do you have that no other has? NOTHING! You have to be so good that others can’t really compete. This is, more than any other thing.

Cheating in relationships is rampant yet its definition is very complicated. An estimated half of married partners cheat on their spouse. If you include other types of committed relationships, the percentage of cheating goes up. We can assume most partners will cheat at some point in a committed relationship.

Cheating is sometimes a cause of divorce and at other times as a symptom of a weakened relationship. Cheating can sometimes be a way to end an unhealthy relationship, or gain clarity about some things, but it is also generally a very painful experience for one or both committed partners.

So, when is cheating, cheating?

The following are considered as cheating when it does not involve your regular partner. Online affairs, purchase of gifts for an opposite sex, engaging in sexual talks with others, having sexual contact with others, sharing private thoughts and feelings with another, denying your partner, etc.

It is not that people like questioning their partner’s fidelity.  But, when you do not give him or her attention, when you dress like a prostitute and your spouse tries to correct you always and it leads to nag and quarrel, when you abuse your partner physically, emotionally and psychologically (torture), when you look for the slightest opportunity to make your partner feel bad and reduce her or him to nothing, when you totally disregard your marriage or/ and partner,  when you become a parasite and totally depend on your partner financially, it could lead to cheating.

The actions above that lead to cheating get the denied partner worried and even more worried if there is another couple by the side that doesn’t lack what he or she is lacking in her relationship.

The mind is evil at times. It gets you thinking in the wrong direction especially in the seasons of fire (when the situation is bad).  As time goes on, this person starts comparing the marriage to others and may nurse doing things that could lead to cheating and eventually a crash of marriage. These might include going out to talk to people (including the wrong persons: divorced, singles and others who wants to have what you have which they can’t have) who will give listening ears (attention) and advice (especially the wrong one).

Cheating is often a function of opportunity. Traveling with a co-worker, being at a party late without your partner, spending lots of time alone, drinking too much in a bar alone, can create opportunities. If you do things together as a couple, others won’t have as much access. Always stay in touch. Call or text if one of you is out late at night or at any agreed time.  If others begin to text or call your partner too much, it is fair to ask but give him or her a breathing space. Do not be a stalker.

Most times, cheating starts with the men. Some women call them wolves in sheep clothing.  Men should discipline themselves and control their insatiable libido. But, for you, a woman with the right attitude and knowledge, to bring him closer, you do not need to create a scene or blow things out of proportion. Humans have different way of dealing with matters and of course, cheating. Some people handle matters in an awkward manner though. When it comes to cheating, you have to deal with it your own way especially when you have identified the root.

Important note:

There should not be unfaithfulness among people who are not legally married nor persons whose relationship has not been formally defined. Once you have not been married or any marital rite performed on you, others should be fully welcomed. Have you ever thought of a situation where you are fully devoted to a partner, you play the role of a ‘married’ person to him or her when the relationship has not been truly and clearly defined and you avoid others, only for you to find out that you have wasted time? If this happens, you might start to regret and even go back to your shell (keep to yourself) and may remain there for another wasted time blaming who you are not to blame. The problem is you. Therefore, cheating should not be seen in a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship.

A topic as vast as this can’t just end in a day, so, fasten your seat belt and hold on for me till next two weeks. Same time, Wednesday.

Love right.

Prisca Omeke is the author of Rosy All the Way.

MARRY RIGHT

Marry right — citymoonblog

JUNE 1, 2016CITYMOON

You need to understand that there is no marriage made in heaven. All marriages are made here on earth. Marriage is not about marrying the right person but being the right person. Marriage is not about marrying the one you love but loving the one you married. You need to make yourself the right person. 

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