The Underhand Lover. By Prisca Omeke

CITYMOON

Cheating is complex. It is difficult to define because its understanding varies with individuals. What some consider as cheating can be seen as normal by others. Some say cheating is betraying a partner’s expectations. This makes it problematic because couples rarely discuss exactly what their expectations are. Others define cheating as unfaithfulness, having sexual relationship with persons other than your regular sex partner. With this definition, it shows cheating only takes place in the bed. Isn’t it?

I interviewed many on this topic, cheating, and responses I got were centred on one thing.  It says cheating means quality time not spent together with the right partner. This means everybody cheats. Isn’t it?  Do we all cheat? I do not think so. We have needs to talk, communicate, etc., and when you have these needs, who do you turn to? Your partner or the opposite sex?

Anything you don’t provide in terms of emotional, intellectual and physical needs, your partner will look to others for them.  In other words, we all seek to meet our needs, and if our partner isn’t there in certain ways, we find others. Those others sometimes form the basis for an affair, or create an emotional bond that replaces our partner, or extract from the partnership that it really needs to grow and adapt. What do you do that someone else cannot easily do?  What do you have that no other has? NOTHING! You have to be so good that others can’t really compete. This is, more than any other thing.

Cheating in relationships is rampant yet its definition is very complicated. An estimated half of married partners cheat on their spouse. If you include other types of committed relationships, the percentage of cheating goes up. We can assume most partners will cheat at some point in a committed relationship.

Cheating is sometimes a cause of divorce and at other times as a symptom of a weakened relationship. Cheating can sometimes be a way to end an unhealthy relationship, or gain clarity about some things, but it is also generally a very painful experience for one or both committed partners.

So, when is cheating, cheating?

The following are considered as cheating when it does not involve your regular partner. Online affairs, purchase of gifts for an opposite sex, engaging in sexual talks with others, having sexual contact with others, sharing private thoughts and feelings with another, denying your partner, etc.

It is not that people like questioning their partner’s fidelity.  But, when you do not give him or her attention, when you dress like a prostitute and your spouse tries to correct you always and it leads to nag and quarrel, when you abuse your partner physically, emotionally and psychologically (torture), when you look for the slightest opportunity to make your partner feel bad and reduce her or him to nothing, when you totally disregard your marriage or/ and partner,  when you become a parasite and totally depend on your partner financially, it could lead to cheating.

The actions above that lead to cheating get the denied partner worried and even more worried if there is another couple by the side that doesn’t lack what he or she is lacking in her relationship.

The mind is evil at times. It gets you thinking in the wrong direction especially in the seasons of fire (when the situation is bad).  As time goes on, this person starts comparing the marriage to others and may nurse doing things that could lead to cheating and eventually a crash of marriage. These might include going out to talk to people (including the wrong persons: divorced, singles and others who wants to have what you have which they can’t have) who will give listening ears (attention) and advice (especially the wrong one).

Cheating is often a function of opportunity. Traveling with a co-worker, being at a party late without your partner, spending lots of time alone, drinking too much in a bar alone, can create opportunities. If you do things together as a couple, others won’t have as much access. Always stay in touch. Call or text if one of you is out late at night or at any agreed time.  If others begin to text or call your partner too much, it is fair to ask but give him or her a breathing space. Do not be a stalker.

Most times, cheating starts with the men. Some women call them wolves in sheep clothing.  Men should discipline themselves and control their insatiable libido. But, for you, a woman with the right attitude and knowledge, to bring him closer, you do not need to create a scene or blow things out of proportion. Humans have different way of dealing with matters and of course, cheating. Some people handle matters in an awkward manner though. When it comes to cheating, you have to deal with it your own way especially when you have identified the root.

Important note:

There should not be unfaithfulness among people who are not legally married nor persons whose relationship has not been formally defined. Once you have not been married or any marital rite performed on you, others should be fully welcomed. Have you ever thought of a situation where you are fully devoted to a partner, you play the role of a ‘married’ person to him or her when the relationship has not been truly and clearly defined and you avoid others, only for you to find out that you have wasted time? If this happens, you might start to regret and even go back to your shell (keep to yourself) and may remain there for another wasted time blaming who you are not to blame. The problem is you. Therefore, cheating should not be seen in a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship.

A topic as vast as this can’t just end in a day, so, fasten your seat belt and hold on for me till next two weeks. Same time, Wednesday.

Love right.

Prisca Omeke is the author of Rosy All the Way.